I'm coming clean - philosophy on awards

This is largely an SCA personal philosophical thing, and while I know it won't apply to a lot of you, there are a few that might feel that I'm trying to offend. I'm not. I'm just whining. Again.

I've been tiptoeing around the issue and joking around with a bunch of people (several of them on my flist) about if I get called down to accept an award, I'd need them to drag me down to the Royal Presence. I'm half-joking, really. But at the same time, I'm dead serious.

Perhaps I'm weird, but I don't feel that I need an award to tell me that I'm doing things right. I know I'm a valid part of my Kingdom. I do feel that awards get in the way of my fun in the SCA, my fun in learning the zillion amazingly cool things that there are to learn. There's so much to learn and so much to do, and all I know is that I want to learn it, and I want to learn it well.

I think I'm just afraid that receiving an award will cause me to rest on my laurels (I swear, no pun intended!) and get complacent. After all, that's what happened in elementary and middle school: I got an award, I got complacent. I thought I could slide through. I worry about the very same thing.

Oh, I know, award scrolls are nifty and cool, and it's a great bit of art to show friends and family who aren't (and who are!) in the SCA. A little part of me wants that. At the same time, all I want to do is have fun, work hard, learn much, live passionately.

Maybe, just maybe, my reasons for not wanting an award come from middle school, where I learned that getting called up in front of the entire school wasn't a good thing, for my head would in up in the toilet, and I would end up stuffed in my locker (awkwardly, of course). I mean, I know it'd never happen in the SCA, but at the same point, I think I learned to equate a good thing with something that just wasn't so good. Still, I don't really like the idea of receiving an award in public. I've watched me get a big head, puff up (figuratively, of course), and set myself up for a fall, and I don't want that to happen.

I'm not saying don't do award recommendations. I just think I'm not worthy of them. I don't feel I do enough for local, barony, kingdom, or even Society to receive one, and I do think there are people who have been playing longer that I who do. I fill out as many as I possibly can for those I know deserve it. In fact, I just filled out one for a very deserving person.

I just hate the surprise. Sure, it's fun to watch other people get one unawares...but I don't like being caught unaware. It's like being in the privy when someone comes barreling in with their own needs to take care of.

I don't deny the system works. I just don't want to feel that I'm being beholden to anyone, that's all. I also don't want to suck it up and take it either (a good friend of mine told me that when I whined to him about it).

Bleh. This is a lot more whiny and ranty than I want it to be. I'm not even sure I made my point. Or if I even have one to begin with.

I'm coming clean - philosophy on awards

This is largely an SCA personal philosophical thing, and while I know it won't apply to a lot of you, there are a few that might feel that I'm trying to offend. I'm not. I'm just whining. Again.

I've been tiptoeing around the issue and joking around with a bunch of people (several of them on my flist) about if I get called down to accept an award, I'd need them to drag me down to the Royal Presence. I'm half-joking, really. But at the same time, I'm dead serious.

Perhaps I'm weird, but I don't feel that I need an award to tell me that I'm doing things right. I know I'm a valid part of my Kingdom. I do feel that awards get in the way of my fun in the SCA, my fun in learning the zillion amazingly cool things that there are to learn. There's so much to learn and so much to do, and all I know is that I want to learn it, and I want to learn it well.

I think I'm just afraid that receiving an award will cause me to rest on my laurels (I swear, no pun intended!) and get complacent. After all, that's what happened in elementary and middle school: I got an award, I got complacent. I thought I could slide through. I worry about the very same thing.

Oh, I know, award scrolls are nifty and cool, and it's a great bit of art to show friends and family who aren't (and who are!) in the SCA. A little part of me wants that. At the same time, all I want to do is have fun, work hard, learn much, live passionately.

Maybe, just maybe, my reasons for not wanting an award come from middle school, where I learned that getting called up in front of the entire school wasn't a good thing, for my head would in up in the toilet, and I would end up stuffed in my locker (awkwardly, of course). I mean, I know it'd never happen in the SCA, but at the same point, I think I learned to equate a good thing with something that just wasn't so good. Still, I don't really like the idea of receiving an award in public. I've watched me get a big head, puff up (figuratively, of course), and set myself up for a fall, and I don't want that to happen.

I'm not saying don't do award recommendations. I just think I'm not worthy of them. I don't feel I do enough for local, barony, kingdom, or even Society to receive one, and I do think there are people who have been playing longer that I who do. I fill out as many as I possibly can for those I know deserve it. In fact, I just filled out one for a very deserving person.

I just hate the surprise. Sure, it's fun to watch other people get one unawares...but I don't like being caught unaware. It's like being in the privy when someone comes barreling in with their own needs to take care of.

I don't deny the system works. I just don't want to feel that I'm being beholden to anyone, that's all. I also don't want to suck it up and take it either (a good friend of mine told me that when I whined to him about it).

Bleh. This is a lot more whiny and ranty than I want it to be. I'm not even sure I made my point. Or if I even have one to begin with.