zephyrofgod: (mandolin me)
[personal profile] zephyrofgod
I really should be in bed, but instead, I'm here.

Grandpa's funeral was the balm to my Uncle Tom's fiasco (which, that it was, even if I didn't post it. It was downright inappropriate, the things his pastor said, and that I may go over in a later post). It wasn't a traditionally Catholic service (my Uncle Ham's father is a Baptist minister, and he did the service, and he did the service as a friend of my grandfather, and with that, came things like, "Well, this is what he would want me to say," and he'd hit the nail right on the head), and Uncle Ham and his brother Gary played "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot," on harmonica and guitar. A simple service, yes, but a good, solid, balm to those who mourn.

It's the first time in years I've seen my mother be welcomed back to that side. My cousin Matt kept calling her Aunt Betty (she hasn't been his aunt for over ten years), my Uncle Ham referred to her as his sister-in-law countless times, and my father and my mother actually hugged. I'm still shocked. My Uncle Paul was cordial to my mother, and even introduced his partner, Will to her.

Full reconciliation may never occur, but I rejoice when I see this. There are things I understand now, and there are things that I may never understand.

Grandpa was cremated, but instead of being interred into a columbarium, he was buried in his plot at Mount Olivet. It was a military funeral, as he was a part of the Navy during WWII, as an Electrician's Mate. My cousin Matt and I are the worse off, I think, as we're the two oldest at 32 and 24 respectively. Grandma was strangely composed, although, this is the second funeral fro Grandpa and the third Ost funeral since November 2005. She doesn't look good: she's losing weight, she didn't eat much at the reception afterwards, and she isn't the Grandma I know, personality-wise.

I'm not going into work for the next two days, though I'm still torn: do I go back and try to get back to normal as soon as I can, or do I try and finish mourning? Considering I've been an absolute wreck, I'm hedging my bets towards the safer side and will take my remaining two bereavement days. I'm not sure I have to call in further, but I probably will. I'm tired of crying, and it even hurts to cry, but that's all I feel like doing. I know I'm depressed, and I know that this is an even harder time of year to feel this way, but I do. It's not fun, and I wish I didn't feel this way, sometimes.

However, if I didn't, I'd be a robot, totally incapable of any kind of emotion, and that's not the way that God made me. But this depression thing sucks. I hate it, and I hate feeling that absolutely gut-wrenchingly powerless feeling that goes along with it.

At the very least, I'll get a head-start on my Christmas cards, and I'll be able to get things out in the mail that I haven't been able to do so yet.

Date: 2007-12-03 03:10 pm (UTC)

Date: 2007-12-03 04:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gothirishrose.livejournal.com
Wow, it sounds like that was a very intense memorial service on a lot of levels. It's great that your family made some effort and seemed to come closer -- funerals seem to make people realize the crap they've carried for years really doesn't mean much of anything in the long run. For all the ones I've heard about where people continued to carry their grudges, there are these like you experienced where families are actually trying to move beyond hurts (at least for the moment) and exist as families instead of strangers.

I am so thankful for bereavement leave! When Nathan's mom and dad passed away I was able to use it (unfortunately twice in one year...) but it gave me the time to breathe air between choking emotions. And I didn't think I needed all of it, either, but the final day was strangely like an unexpected vacation day -- very peaceful and healing. I remember thinking it was kind of a gift from Dad and God together...

As time goes by, think of something that you would have enjoyed doing with your Grandpa and then do it with someone else in his honor. It will give you joy to do it even if it is painful at first... remembering how you enjoyed it together and sharing it with someone else celebrates his memory and keeps it fresh as you share that part of him with someone else.

May God's face shine upon you today,
May His hand be upon your back,
May you find rest and grace for every need,
God grant you Peace. Amen.

Date: 2007-12-03 04:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] summersdream.livejournal.com
*hugs* It gets... more bearable. I'm glad your family acted like one. Just take it easy, hon. One moment at a time.

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